How a breakup and a proclivity for passing out led to the best road trip of my life
Who knew heartache and a lack of oxygen to the brain would lead me to see places I had only dreamt about?
They say time is the ultimate healer, but I don't think they were ever invited on a road trip through the Rocky Mountains with a charismatic fisherman, a man who never sleeps, and a Pakistani pizza delivery guy.
To say that my life was changed forever by this opportunity is an understatement.
I had just gotten back home from working for two months aboard a small-scale cruise ship that was chartering Southeast Alaska- a job I had signed up for six months… And with my current boyfriend at the time. Who I had only been dating for two months prior. What could go wrong?
The job was taxing, arduous, and utterly exhausting, but I was able to explore a part of the world only the affluent and elite can afford to see. Unfortunately, the weight of a dying relationship was on my shoulders while I worked 12–14 hours days, without a day off for weeks at a time.
It was no wonder my body started voluntarily shutting down. About 6 weeks into my 6-month contract, I was passing out every couple of days. I know this doesn't need to be said, but you can imagine the danger and the fear that is involved with passing out on a boat in the middle of an Alaskan fjord. Not a whole lot of readily available medical assistance, if I, you know, fall down the stairs, completely unconscious.
My current boyfriend was as supportive as he could be given the fact that he had his own set of struggles. I found myself becoming depressed and anxious about the future of this new and, to all accounts and purposes, budding relationship.
But much like a flower in a vase, we had plucked our relationship too quickly, and although we were still absorbing some nutrients from one another, we were slowly and errevicably dying.
Understandably so, my job was forced to send me home prematurely, and with it came the (totally predictable) ending to my relationship. I think in a lot of ways we were both relieved. The pressure to constantly try to take care of each other's needs while we ourselves were struggling, was finally over.
Once the fleeting relief was gone, I was suddenly hit with the grief that comes with devoting too much of yourself to someone who was incapable of returning any of it.
When I landed home in Orlando, I was struggling immensely with a lot of emotional, mental, and physical exhaustion. For a few weeks, I retreated so far into myself that even a simple conversation with my family could spiral me into a panic attack. I was disappointed and let down by my choices. I knew better than to get lost in someone else, to depend on anyone else to bring me joy and solace.
It wasn’t even him that I missed; it was who I was before I invested in him.
And then, an acquaintance from months prior reached out when he saw that I was no longer in Alaska and he turned into someone I felt comfortable confiding in as the days got longer and darker. I knew staying in my parent's guest bedroom, feeling trapped and purposeless in an otherwise very healthy and safe environment, was not what I truly needed.
It was like my friend heard my cry to the universe for a change of pace.
On a whim, he invited me to fly to New Mexico where he was staying with some friends, and then road trip with them up to Seattle. We would, of course, be making stops along the way and having a blast, he said.
I barely thought about it before saying yes. I knew deep down that it was exactly what I needed. I had been notorious throughout my adult life for doing societally crazy things without a whole lot of planning or true consideration involved. This was just another one of those moments and it felt normal for me.
I flew out a week later. I had a few friends think that I had lost my mind.
“What if he is a serial killer??”
“What if he kidnaps you and doesn't let you leave?”
“You barely know him! How could you possibly trust him?”
Although these are all very rational (for women, at least) thoughts and things I had considered, it was single-handedly one of the best decisions I've ever made and in a very difficult time of my life.
I spent two weeks in Santa Fe, staying in a little casita, with nature all around. I got to know these three men and before long, it was as if we were family. We spent the days together and the nights cooking and drinking wine. Sometimes a crazy party was thrown and everyone came over. One night, we had a DJ set up in the kitchen! It was quirky, weird (the only true way Santa Fe can be), and exactly what my lost soul needed.
The sense of community we had created among us carried through on our epic road trip. We stopped in Denver, Steamboat Springs, Jackson Hole (the Tetons are TO DIE FOR), Yellowstone National Park, Missoula, and Spokane.
The memories- all-nighters at reggae bars, line dancing with the best of them in Jackson Hole, taking dips in hot springs in Yellowstone, and just so much laughter- will last forever.
I am so grateful not only for the invite but to myself for taking a leap of faith, even when I felt like hibernating forever.
You never know what is coming for you, so make sure to keep your eyes open for the journey!
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